letter to my loser ex (that I'm writing out for catharsis purposes only. I'm not going to give this to him... probably.)
can i be mean for a second...
Okay, I know my last article was also kind of centered around men and certainly didn’t pass the Bechdel test, but in my defense: this is one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me and it’s hard to be over it when he lives next door to me.
I promise this is not a breakup themed Substack page! But it will occasionally feature trauma dumping, and I’ve been feeling the urge to be mean all week, so here we are.
(Letter begins below)
It’s been about six months now since you blew up my life. And the more I sit with the knowledge of everything you did to me, the more pissed off I am. I hate you, actually! I think your car is fucking stupid and every day I fantasize about keying it or spray-painting “CHEATER” in big red letters.
I do not care if you have DID, if you’re an alcoholic, if you have ADHD, or whatever other excuse you have to avoid taking responsibility for your cheating and lying. At the end of the day, you still did those things to me and a part of you was aware you were doing it (but didn’t care). You are unbelievably selfish and cruel, you’re a misogynist who hates women, and you stole eight years of my life from me. I can’t get that time back. It is fucking deranged to propose to someone you were cheating on, and it’s even more deranged to then move in next door to that person???
All things considered, I have been incredibly gracious and kind through all of this. I could have demanded you move out (which honestly, I should have). My time single has affirmed for me that I am way too good for you and you did not deserve me. I think when you confessed your cheating to me, you thought I would be upset but that ultimately I’d be willing to work through it with you. Absolutely fucking not, you loser! For one, I have more self-esteem and self-respect than that. Secondly, did you really think you were so special that I would continue to date you even after you confessed to cheating? Insane!
I was, in contrast, incredibly loyal to you and committed to our relationship. I would never have done to you what you did to me. I’m certainly not perfect, but next to you I look like a fucking saint. I stayed by your side when you overindulged on alcohol many, many times (and embarassed me in the process), I helped you and your family when your dad passed, and I did my best to be a good partner and work through any flaws. It’s incredibly easy to not cheat on someone, and you tripped and fell on that low bar spectacularly.
The letters you wrote to me were weird and bad, and you should have kept that shit to yourself. All they accomplished was making me feel unsafe and solidifying for me that you will never truly take full responsibility for your actions. You excused your cheating by saying you have a horny alter ego named Giovanni who shows up and forces you to cheat (???). You actually at one point in the letters implied I was responsible for him showing up1, which is an interesting leap of logic..
You spend a lot of time in your letters talking about the joy you get from meeting strangers. Well congratulations! That’s the only type of relationship you’re likely to have for the rest of your life. No sane, quality person is going to hear about the shit you did and want to stick around. You traded in an eight year relationship with a great person (me) and destroyed your other friendships because you couldn’t keep it in your pants.
I do not forgive you and I will not forgive you. I’ve been counting down the days until you are no longer my next door neighbor and I never have to see your stupid car or your ugly Lord Farquad haircut ever again.
Your legacy is that you are a cruel, selfish, cheating misogynist. I sincerely hope you never date anyone again and I think you are a manipulator who should not be allowed near women. No one deserves to go through what I went through and I would not wish you on anyone.
Also, you’re 5’4”2. Pick a fucking struggle.
Bye forever, loser!
~Fin~
That felt good to write out. I doubt I’ll actually like, print this out and give it to him or something, but this felt like a needed step in my healing. Like I mentioned, it’s doubtful this is something I’ll just casually get over, but I needed an outlet to be mean (like, actually mean, not the jokey joke way I am sometimes teasingly mean with my friends). While he certainly does deserve my ire, I can’t shake the anxious feeling that in his mental state, if I said anything of this caliber to him, he’d get an early checkout from planet Earth. And like, I hate the guy, but I don’t actually want that.
As always, when I talk about my stupid little worm of an ex, I feel like I can’t do so without reiterating how grateful I am for everyone who’s supported me so much in one of the shittiest times of my life. I appreciate everyone who has shown me love and been there for me, and listened as I rant endlessly about how he hurt me and how much he sucks. I can’t wait until he is a distant memory for all of us, and hopefully one day I can date someone who is way, way better than that gross little man.
Love y’all! Please channel some energy today into sending bad vibes towards my ex (and every man who has ever wronged me, for that matter).
To further explain this, I’m including a quote from one of his letters:
“A memory I completely forgot about was the time my Garry’s Mod community had a very bad falling out. This was when you were still in Maple Hall. I had a vulnerable moment with you talking about how stressful it was to lose this online community. Your response was to mention that this seemed ‘pathetic’. I believe this is when Giovanni began to present himself again. I was ashamed at my coping mechanism of online communities and Giovanni now; I felt this part of me was something that could never see the light of day. I don’t blame you, you were young, but I think now I realize I never forgave you for that.”
Lots to unpack here! For one, I am pretty sure I did apologize to him in the moment for making fun of his… online video game community. Secondly, if he had additional issues with this even after I apologized, the solution is to talk to me so we can work it out, not cheat on me for 5+ years. Furthermore, what a fucking loser lmao.
He’s been claiming 5’6” for years now. It’s time the world knows the truth, that man is not even gracing 5’5”. (Which, for the record, nothing wrong with being short, but let’s not be delusional and lie about our heights.)
sending all the terrible vibes to ur ex
You could be even meaner if you wanted to I think. Good riddance